After I was jumped the state recommended I see a counselor. Victims of violent crimes tend to be a little off-kilter after the event. Plus, the therapist would be paid for by the assailants. I was just tired of the nightmares. After a few sessions, with a $20 co-pay each, I learned I have the ability to explain exactly what I am thinking, exactly as I feel it. This, according to the lady with the dark hair, who looked over her glasses at me, who was kind enough not to take notes, who smiled calmly, who watched my eyes move across her floor as I recounted memories, this was a talent. "I'm afraid of deep water. Where it's so dark I can't see what's below me. I'm afraid of cramped dark spaces. I'm afraid of long hallways. I guess that means I'm afraid of the unknown." "You are very intuitive. Most people never figure that out." And thus I realized I can know exactly what I am afraid of, put it into a logical box of why I am afraid of it, and yet still be afraid. Fat lot of help reason and rationalization do me. A new fear has been creeping over me for some time. Back when my DCCA show was taken down. Or, maybe before when that guy in NYC asked me to illustrate a comic book for him as a dramatic ruse to get in my pants. Or, after, when I tried to draw my friend and it looked nothing like him. I'm afraid of forgetting how to create art. I'm afraid of forgetting how to draw hands so perfectly. I'm afraid of relatives asking "You were such a talented artist. Why don't you draw anymore?" I'm afraid of being 50 and regretting art so much I can never walk into a museum. I'm at that age where my female hormones begin to scream "MAKE BABIES! FURTHER THE HUMAN RACE WITH YOUR WOMB GODDAMNIT!" I'm still on the pill. That isn't going to change. What has changed is I've caught myself thinking, "It doesn't matter if you are never a famous artist if your kid is president." And my abstract fear of the unknown has turned into a very real fear of loosing my art to life.

I need to work on drawing eyes. I need to work on drawing people as they objectively look, not as they subjectively look to me. I need to work on actually talking to people at parties, as opposed to drunkenly sketching them.